#Motivation #Depression #MentalHealth

I’ve been struggling to find my motivation

All forms of it; my creative motivation for words and my everyday motivation to simply live. 

Recently, I started a new job. The new experience consumed me. I loved everything about the adventure and thrived on the feeling of being constantly challenged. Overtime, I started to find my feet in the workplace. I was developing my own self-confidence, while discovering how I fit into the business. 

I felt comfortable. I felt happy. And so, I couldn’t have predicted what would happen next.

I found myself in none other than a rut, this monotonous routine of solely going through the motions of what we call ‘life.’ Simply put, living each day just to live. While I was passionate and motivated by work, I couldn’t seem to translate that very feeling into the rest of my life. 

My motivation was residing at absolute zero. 

The feeling appeared weirdly similar to my past major depressive episodes. Yet, it confused me. How could I be so happy and inspired by my working life and not my own personal life?

The symptoms of my depression began to surface. The fatigue. The isolation. The aches and pains. The lack of appetite. The self-loathing. The lack of enjoyment for all things I love. I could feel it happening. I openly talked about it with my friends and coworkers. However, I couldn’t quite figure out how to help myself.

Creatively, I was completely lost. It was a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, how could I put energy into my writing? I searched hard for some sort of creative spark from within my mind. I wasn’t finding anything concrete or tangible and I was becoming discouraged. 

Looking back, the fix seems all too simple: I grounded myself. I gave myself a well deserved break; one which provided me with the time and space to reconnect. Reconnect with the city that healed me, people who support me and creative work that continually inspires me.

It was a necessary reminder to constantly remember to check in on oneself; a reminder that recovery —including the highs and the lows— is a lifelong adventure.

On my journey home—all too ironically—I found myself reading the prologue from one of my favourite author’s new book, Neon Souls by Alex Elle.

Every single word resonated with me, and just like that my fire was reignited.

I’ll leave you to interpret her words for your own:

“Lately, I have been longing for something to fill me and light my world on fire again. It’s been a struggle. Sometimes the creative process leaves me feeling dull and muted, almost like I have lost my spark. Maybe a piece of my magic, too. When my healing happened, the fire that was burning within me simmered down. I had put in all the work, created and protected a space that was sacred and established an emotionally safe sanctuary that I built brick by brick. The self-work was part of my manifestation. What I lost in the process of discovery was the ability to tap into the parts of me that were screaming out for a voice. That voice has been muffled by growth and experience. By unwinding and unbreaking. It’s like my senses decided to power off because the darkest parts of me had healed by the vibrant hues of electrifying truth, shocking resilience, and blinding belongings. Perhaps they figured I didn’t need my vibrancy anymore because, well I have found it. But I do need it because life without neon is dull.”

What motivates you?